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Should Have Used the Grits
By The Artful Blogger

Hi kids! This is part two of my ways to put some spice into your fire drills and maybe . . . just maybe, you might have a little fun.  I promised special effects, which or course, reminds me of a story:

I live in a great neighborhood.  I couldn’t ask for better neighbors if I had ordered them from the Sears catalog.  Most of them are either retired or past military, so we’re just like family.  I have a guy who lives a couple of doors down.  His name is Jack.  He’s a great guy, but he has one small problem.  It seems that every time he comes in contact with any sort of tool, we’re taking him to the emergency room.  I mean, even Tim the Tool Man would be scared of this guy.  One weekend, we were all outside doing the lawn-thing, when Jack approached me.  I could tell by the look on his face that he had a project in mind.  It seemed that Jack had a fire ant problem and wanted to know how to kill them.  Living in Florida, this is a common occurrence, so I was quick with my response.  I told him to use raw grits.  He looked at me funny.  Believe it or not, this actually works.  Well Jack, being from Michigan, only had instant grits (It’s a northern-thing).  I told him that instant wouldn’t work.  I was going to refer him to some commercial-type ant killers when my other neighbor, Frank, piped in.  He told him to use gasoline. (Frank’s a crusty old retired Vietnam Vet, so you can see the logic.)  As Jack scurried away with his new-found information, I gave Frank a look like, “You know better than to do that.”  Having finished my yard work, I retied to the house for baseball and my favorite malt beverage.  Little did I know what events would transpire next.

Jack took his little half gallon gas can over to the ant mound and poured a liberal amount of petrol onto it.  After striking a stick match (mind you, the only smart thing he did was to use a stick match), he tossed it onto the mound.  A small one foot flame briefly flared up and quickly died down to a few inches.  What Frank neglected to tell Jack was that was all the fire he needed to perform the extermination.  Jack thought to himself, “Is that it? Maybe I need more gas.” (OK kids,  here’s where it gets good!)  Jack tips the little gas can over the open flame from about three feet up.  The gas dumps down onto the flame.  (Can you guess what happens next?  No, jack couldn’t either.)  The flame traveled up the pouring gasoline and this ramjet with conviction shot out of the nozzle of his tiny gas can (After all, it’s not the size, but how you use it).  The thing was like a flame thrower.  So, what does our hero do?  He starts violently shaking the can, trying to put out the flame.  Instead of extinguishing it, he sprays fuel all over his lawn.  Now, half his lawn is on fire . . . and his curbside mailbox . . . and his wife’s flower garden . . . and the left front tire of his wife’s Buick.

I hear a knock at my door.  It’s Frank.  [Continue Reading →]

Free Beer!
By The Artful Blogger

OK, now that I have you’re undivided attention; let’s talk about something near and dear to all of us (No, not beer. Get over it already.). I was referring to fire drills. Yes, I know you’re all excited. Whether you’re a merchant, a squid, or a rig-pig, you look forward to each and every drill. You savor each and every nuance. You . . . OK, enough. I know  we all hate fire drills. I used to as well. Yeah that’s right; I used to. No, I’m not one of those masochistic kind of guys (OK, there was that time that I requested to be stationed in Guam.). The point I’m trying to make is, why do firefighting and damage control drills have to be painful? What? You don’t know? Come on . . . Think about it . . . Still need more time? . . . Sing the Jeopardy song then . . . I’m still waiting? . . . Give up? Drills are painful because they’re prone to inspection (Holy Pavlov’s Dog, Batman!). When we here that word: “Inspection,” we get that pain in the pits of our guts (You know, the same kind of pain a guy gets when she says: “I’m pregnant.”). When we setup our fire drills, we do it in accordance with the guidelines provided by the inspecting organization. That’s the problem! We know what the inspectors are looking for and we teach the test. That’s always been the modus operandi of training. (Are you lost? I was once diagnosed with ADD, but I learned to . . . ooo . . . look . . . shiny! As always, I digress). We take each line item of the inspection sheet and use it as a guideline for our drills. What’s wrong with that, you ask? (You’d better be asking; I would.) It’s BORRING! I had a skipper once (Yeah, another sea story.) who used to say: “If morale is bad, hold a fire drill. At least they’d all hate the same damn thing for a change.”

This is why I’m going to write a multi-part series on firefighting and damage control drills. The reason I say “multi-part” is because I don’t know how many parts I’m going to write yet. This is just the introduction, or you could call it “Part One;” whatever you wish. (Did you ever notice how I love to use semi-colons? I had an uncle with a semi-colon. You see, he had this bag that hung outside of his, well, never mind. Damn ADD.)

Anyway, I’ll be giving suggestions on how to make your drills more interesting, and you’ll still be able to follow the necessary guidelines in accordance with that “I” word. That’s all for now, kiddies. For the record, I do have adult ADD (What do the doctors know anyway. I think it’s the five gallons of coffee I drink each day.). This is the Artful Blogger. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it!

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