Contact the RYA, see if they have a two-man crew, preferably a dyslexic, and an artist…

“Bert and I come down to the dock about six o’clock in the early morning. Bert went into the boathouse to fetch the pots and the slickers and I went out to the dock to start up the Bluebird.”

Anyone who’s ever lived in Maine has hopefully heard this story before.

Bert and I is a collection of stories set in the coastal communities of “Down East” Maine told by Marshall Dodge and Bob Bryan.  For those of you not from New England, or the United States for that matter, I hope this video inspires you to visit Maine someday, it’s an incredible place to visit, with it’s own very distinct culture.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The rumored origins of the giant beach-going lego man have reached that of mythical proportions over the past couple years.  The man first appeared just offshore the Dutch resort of Zandvoort in 2007, where stunned spectators made a daring rescue thinking it was real person.  Then again in 2008, the lego man has washed up on a beach in Brighton, UK leaving residents puzzled as to its origins.

Is a giant child somewhere missing a beloved toy? Is a Lego factory producing mutant rogue lego-men?

Unfortunately the real story may not be so interesting.  The lego-man is the work of aspiring artist, Ego Leonard, who may or may not be the lego man himself.  “I am glad I crossed over” Leonard said in an email to Sarasota Herald-Tribune. “Although it was a hell of a [swim]. Nice weather here and friendly people. I think I am gonna stay here for a while.”

Why Florida and why now remains a mystery.

That’s why every year September 19 is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.  The holiday was originally started in 1995 by John Baur (Ol’ Chumbucket) and Mark Summers (Cap’n Slappy), of Portland, Oregon.  From what started as an inside joke between two friends, the made up holiday gained exposure through various media outlets in 2002.

For those of you that would like to participate, we have provided you with these links to help you talk like a pirate and you can leave some of your favorite pirate quotes in the comments.

This is a pretty funny Pirate Translator, and you can even put in the gCaptain URL if you wish to read gCaptain in pirate language.

Facebook has a “pirate” language setting that is pretty funny (the link is on the bottom of your facebook page).

To get the hard facts on piracy, read our posts on real pirates HERE.

This interesting pic was brought to our attention by albertpachino in the gCaptain forum with the title “Gotta Love Those Yachties – A Pic Says 1,000 words!”.  It sure does…

This digitally modified image of the Discoverer Enterprise does not actually reflect the Enterprise's current state of housekeeping, and should not be taken seriously.

The Enterprise played a key role during the oil spill disaster last summer, however floating in the oil-saturated ocean above the Macondo Well left her ballast tanks and hull saturated with crude oil.  For the past 4 months, cleaning teams have been working to clean up all this mess, but the Unified Area Command has decided enough is enough, and she’s heading to the yard in Mobile for a deep cleaning.

And no, I don’t have profile on there.  Yet.

Click here to view the embedded video.

To mark the Year of the Seafarer, the Royal Alfred Seafarers’ Society, a UK based charity whose goals is to help seafarers in old age, illness, or adversity, has launched a campaign to honor seafaring generations by capturing old sea-life inspired sayings that are commonly used today without knowledge of there origins.

The campaign is launched in association with the author of naval slang and jargon guide ‘Jackspeak’, Rick Jolly OBE, a former Royal Navy surgeon-captain, and will be featured in the next edition of his book of modern nautical terms.

The Society is calling on serving and retired members of the Royal Navy and Merchant Navy, fishermen and port workers to participate by sending in their sea-life inspired sayings. But why stop there?! We want to hear everyones!

Continue reading for the top 5 favorite phrases coined so far, and be sure to add yours as a comment of participate in the gCaptain forum discussion HERE:

1. The cat’s out of the bag – originates from the instrument of punishment in the Old Navy, the ‘cat o’nine tails’. It would be taken out of its special storage bag before a flogging

2. Brass monkeys – originates from the saying ‘cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey’. Freezing temperatures would cause the brass monkey, a plate beside each gun on a ship to hold iron cannon balls, to contract and some of the balls to fall off

3. Batten down – meaning to prepare for trouble or bad weather, originating from ships ‘battening down the hatches’ when bad weather was expected

4. Splice the mainbrace! – the order given on ships for everyone on board to enjoy an additional serving of rum as part of a traditional naval celebration. Nowadays this is used to describe a toast to Royalty

5. Three sheets to the wind – originates from an old description of a square sail flapping almost uncontrollably in the wind; now often used to describe an inebriated person!

We encourage you to submit your own sayings to the gCaptain forum HERE, and be sure to check out the Funny Sh*t My Captain Says for more hilarious albeit probably less widely used sayings.

Find out more at the Royal Alfred Seafarers’ Society website.

Now since I’m writing this from 10,000 feet I don’t have access to the internet’s wealth of etymological resources but I can suspect a reason for the color association. Some possible origins might be seamen green with expectation for the weekly draw, green for the poker table at which they loose draw money, or maybe green in envy for the bosun’s salty demeanor. The most likely reason, however, is weather. As a wise Chief Mate told me amidst a calm, pregnant and expectant North Atlantic Sea, “You can always tell the new hands from the seasoned mariners once the weather fax starts spitting pages. The young are giddy with anticipation while the rest of are thinking ‘Shit, here we go again.’” Yes, green with sea sickness is the likely origin.

Since Neptune first stirred the sea with his trident or (insert personal belief set) the term Green Sailor has meant just one thing to the rest of us; opportunity for a laugh.
Now each ship has different methods of “mentoring” young seamen but my personal favorite occurs in but one location on earth; 20 miles off the coast of Canada’s Pacific Shore. This location is important due to its proximity to Canada’s Coast Guard air squadron.

Housed in a hangar ashore is a C-130 aircraft. The winged bohemeoth is equipped with radar scanning equipment that can not only detect a ship’s radar but, if the aircraft get’s really close (think the spilled coffee scene in Top Gun) can fingerprint the ship’s radar emission. Why is this necessary? I can think of 1000 reasons, none of which make any sense. Ostensibly Canada wants to make sure you are who you claim to be… for National Security reasons.

The year was 2001 but months prior to any larger security concerns. We were heading north to load crude oil in Valdez Alaska aboard a 300+ M VLCC. This particular day I was standing bridge watch when the Chief Mate called to pull my lookout for “operational concerns” and replace him with a brand new ordinary seaman. The kid was so green in fact, it took him 20 minutes to find the bridge (no he wasn’t a smoker). The mate also gave me strict instructions to tell the Captain in person once the aircraft, nicknamed Buzz Saw, was spotted. Being new to the ship myself and uncertain this OS could detect even a SOLAS flare shot from the bow, I glued myself to the bridge window.

A good 30 minutes passed before a distant object appeared through the clouds. Expecting to be back in short order, at least well before the kid spotted the flight, I announced “I’m stepping down to the Captain’s office for a minute, don’t touch anything, just shout if you have a problem.“ He nodded…. nervously.

As I walked down the ladderwell and into the old man’s office I was unexpectedly greeted by the entire crew.

“Close the door” said the bosun. “Mike affix the bucket!” Mike, a fun loving AB of 25, scurried up a ladder and affixed a bucket of sea water precariously above the door.
Admittedly dense and still unsure what was happening I said, “Capt, the plane is three minutes out. I should get back to the bridge before the kid soils his pants”
“Nonsense, just standby” Captain Krueger replied with a grin.

The room became dead still and within moments you could here a distant rumble followed by a voice from the bridge.

“Uh, Mate…” “Mate!” “MATE MATE | HOLY SHIT | CAPTAIN!!!”

He must have slid down the rail because we never heard footsteps. “C-A-P-T-A” SPLASH (Immense laughter from the peanut gallery) “IS THIS A JOKE?” yelled the confused seaman.

The bosun quickly answered, “A lesson my boy. Never let the mate spot a target before you. Now back to work, all of you!!”

I can’t remember if I was more amused by the situation or thankful the Captain didn’t think it was wise to play this joke on officers but I can tell you the story has been effective each time I’ve noticed future watchmates staring aimlessly at the clouds