Laugh for the day.....

[NAUTICART]

Two guys fishing found genie bottle. They open it and the genie says " I'll grant you one wish"

So the one pipes-up " I want you to turn this whole lake into beer !"

Poof! it was done.

The other guy,.... " Oh great, now we have to pi$$ in the boat"

[NAUTICART]

Dave is 69 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

[NAUTICART]

The Arrogance of Authority

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He
tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority
of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants
pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish
... On any land. No questions asked. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA
officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa
Gertrudis bull ...

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems
likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is
clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence
and yells at the top of his lungs ...

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

[skycowboy]

> 1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age > 6)
>
> 2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
>
> 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
> have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)
>
> 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
> Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
>
> 5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.. (Billy, age 8)

> 6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
> and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
>
> 7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
> ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
> make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
> eating beans. (William, age 7)
>
> 8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
> I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
> Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
>
> 9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
> crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
> pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
>
> 10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
> give you a shock.. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
> they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
> (Christopher, age 7)
>
> 11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
> my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
>
> 12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
> go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
>
> 13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
> going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
> right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
>
> 14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
> I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
>
> 15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean.
> What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
> (James, age 7)
>
> If you didn't chuckle at one of these, you need to find a better sense
> of humour.

[seadog!]

<table style="width: 100%;" id="ecxINCREDIMAINTABLE" class="ecxMsoNormalTable" width="100%" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><td style="padding: 1.5pt; width: 100%;" id="ecxINCREDITEXTREGION" width="100%"><table class="ecxMsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,

'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.















</td></tr></tbody></table>







</td></tr> <tr> <td style="padding: 1.5pt; width: 100%;" id="ecxINCREDIFOOTER" width="100%"> <table style="width: 100%;" class="ecxMsoNormalTable" width="100%" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0in; width: 100%;" width="100%">
</td> <td style="padding: 0in;" id="ecxINCREDISOUND" valign="bottom">
</td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table>

[keelhaul]

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!" Too funny!

[skycowboy]

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my Coast Guard Physical.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

[NAUTICART]

Good one Sky,....

My physical ? well I was asked by someone "How do they check you for a hernia?"

I said "The doctor told be to grab his ba_ls, and caugh."

[skycowboy]

Now tha'ts funny

[seadog!]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No". She said, "Aye ... ya will be when the tide comes in."



</pre>

[stevefoster]

Good one Sky,....

My physical ? well I was asked by someone "How do they check you for a hernia?"

I said "The doctor told be to grab his ba_ls, and caugh."

Hey Suzie, is that the way you South Florida folks spell cough? ..........Still haven't rcvd that email from John Konrad you texted me about....

[NAUTICART]

Hey Suzie, is that the way you South Florida folks spell cough? .............

Hey, easy Trigger ! ( I thought I looked that up ) Oh, and thanks for blowing my cover. Now I gotta log in under alias, the one we use when were drinking...lol

Did you buy the book yet? You probably have wayyyyyyyyyy more time than I do.

[NAUTICART]

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.


3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.


4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.


5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.


And....


6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

[NAUTICART]

Ok.. there is a girl crab sitting on the beach when a good lookin' guy crab walks up.

She is thinking ... Wow.. there is something special about this one, he walked STRAIGHT up to me!

So she flirts enought to score a date that night and they had a ball.

Next day, he walks up to her but SIDEWAYS (like crabs normally do).....

She says " Oh! my, what happened ?? Yesterday you walked strait up to me ??

He says " Honey,.. I can't drink like that everyday !"



.

[NAUTICART]

Please join me in remembering yet another great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection & traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly at 71.

Survived by his wife, Play Dough & three children John Dough, Jane Dough, Dill Dough, plus one in the oven.

Services will be held at 350 for about 20 mins. Please send flour

[water]

Michigan Yoopers Declare War on the U.S.A.





Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.


"Hallo, President Obama?" a heavily accented Yooper voice said. "This is Sven, up



here at Olie's Bar and Steak House in Bruce Crossing, Michigan. I am callin' to tell

ya'll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Sven," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right now," said Sven, after a moment's calculation "there is myself, my cousin Olie,
my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Pine's Bar.That makes eight."

Barack paused. "I must tell you Sven that I have one million men in my army waiting to
move on my command."

"Wow," said Sven. "I'll have to call ya back!"




Sure enough, the next day, Sven called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on!We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Sven?"Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two 4-wheelers, a snowmobile, and Harry's trail grooming machine."

President Obama sighed."I have tell you Sven, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Sven, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Sven rang again the next day, "President Obama, the war is still on!We have

managed to git ourselves airborne!We up an' modified Olie's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the coffee shop have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Sven that I
have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.My military complex issurrounded
by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Oh Lord," said Sven, "l'll have to call you back."

Sure enough, Sven called again the next day.. "President Obama!I am sorry to have to
tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Sven, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few
beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."


MICHIGAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
If you're from Michigan, you won't even need to be told to pass this on.

[NAUTICART]

ok this is funny.. I was on usajobs.gov website and one of the jobs had this ...

WORK ENVIRONMENT: Work is most often performed in a second story visitor center. The building is old and it can be cool or hot inside. It is not small animal proof.

[NAUTICART]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[RASKP06]

Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . . POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature!" "Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?" "Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!" Then POOF! She was gone!

After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!

[seadog6608]

A friend of mine went to the doctor and told him he was experiencing discomfort with his butt. the doc told him to pull his pants down and bend over. The doc took a lokk at my friend's nether region and told him, " This doesn't llok good. did you know you seem to have a lettuce leaf growing out of your ass?" My buddy told him, "doc, you don't know the half of it. That's just the tip of the iceberg!"