Funny Sh*t My Captain Says

[JoeyBagOfDonuts]

On the way to a shipyard in Korea (with a big sh1t eating grin on his face):

Ahh Korea, land of the girly bars, beers at lunch and cotton sheets in a nice hotel.

The problem is, going to shipyard is like going to Disneyworld with the grandson. I'm excited as hell that first morning but ready to get the F out by noon.

[mastlight]

I was third and we were approaching arrival. I called the Captain as per his orders. when he arrived on the bridge he said, "what time is it and where are we?"

[OICUR12]

Having a conversation with a 45 year towboat vet. about guys leaving the company looking for "greener pastures" else where.

Ya, know, the "grass is always greener....".

My comeback to that one is the reason it is greener is the other cows have already been over there fertiliziin' it, so to speak.

He says, "Yeah, the only thing that changes is the color of the boat."

That is true whether you leave to go to another company or the company changes colors from under neath you and you just go along for the ride.
Both of which he had done.
He has been with our company through thick and thin.
They have kept food on his table. Good times and bad.
He is their most trusted captain. The owner used to sit on his knee.
He listens when my captain gives business advice.

Sometimes you are better off under neath a captain that can get things done than taking on your own boat and spending years gaining that kind of respect.

maybe not as funny as it could have been but very true.

[Capt. Phoenix]

"When the draft of the vessel exceeds the depth of the water, you are aground!"

That sounds like Charlie Weeks from Maine Maritime Academy.

[hawsepipe]

On an Albacore boat middle of the Pacific , I come up from the engineroom spraying blood. As he was bandaging me looks me in the eye and say's "flesh heals" and " It'll feel better when it stops hurting " . 25 years later and using those lines on my kids.
"

[Jayron Montuerto]

Capt. on my first watch as a mate
"Always follow the bow, don't let your stern overtake your bow."

[PR-9]

when I first step in the wheelhouse he told me when you work for me- "you can fuck around but you can't fuck up"

[Deuce]

Haha...These are funny. Going to read the whole thread later. I started working as an OS on supply boats in 1998. The AB was a guy in his late 30's/early 40's and a total fucking fairy. He didn't belong on boats. His nickname was "Sissy John". Mine was "Boy"..haha

So one day out of the blue the captain says "Boy..do you think that Sissy John is gay?"..,I said "I don't think so, he has a wife and a kid"...his response was "I don't think that means too much these days".

[DPDROPOUT]

I asked a crusty old Morgan City, LA Captain once if he fished any while he was home. "FISH? FISH? I don't even like to look at a GLASS of water when I'm off!"

[Whip]

A (hilarious) Unlimited Captain to CM on the bow during an emergency anchor drop - "Hey Mate, did you say you used to work at a furniture store?" (CM) "Say again?" (Capt.) "Furniture store!" (CM) "Roger Cap." (Capt.) "Well, you better call 'em up and see if they'll take you back."

Referring to his 3M "That is one no-talent-havin' mother@#&$*r."

When the AB didn't like his bridge music selection. "Hey f$&%*#, when you get your unlimited master's license, YOU can pick the damn station."

And "Hey, who won the rummy game last night? Huh? Who won it? You remember?" (Bosun) You did Cap. (Capt.) Damn straight I did.

Last but not least - "Just remember this... There's two kinds of men in this world. Men who go to sea, and pus^%^*s."

[salt'n steel]

Two OS's were heard arguing about who had to sweep and mop the officers passageway. One OS says" I'm senior OS so your doing it. Hawspiper Captain opens his door and says "rank among OS's is like rank among whores! You got a choice, either this mop and bucket or that mop and bucket! Kinda put it in perspective.

[CaptMrJoe]

As mate on a crew boat in Venice, LA I mentioned to the Capt that he might want to give the small fishing vessels a slow bell, as we were throwing about a 4 foot wake...he turned to me and said, "no way man, those guys like it!"...they seemed to enjoy it while shaking their fists at us and yelling.

[CaptChris878]

Talking to the boat owner and the lead capt on a crew boat minutes after CG Topside...

(Owner): "That went way WAY better than I thought it was going to go."

(Lead Capt): "Just remember,...PAINT HIDES A MULTITUDE OF SINS!"

And the other during the start of topside...

(CG): "Hey Capt, so where's your area of operation?"

(Me): *Trying to break the ice* "Right up there!" Pointing to the wheelhouse

(Lead Capt): "It's never a good idea to piss them off 30 seconds into these things"

[OICUR12]

"The Devil went down to Texas"

I heard a funny conversation take place the other day on CH 13 around the ICW and Texas City Channel.

The “Risen Savior” was Eastbound coming out of Pelican Cut bound for Texas City.

The “Diablo” was Outbound Texas City Channel bound for Houston.


“Come in there, Risen Savior.” (Diablo transmitting)

“Risen Savior, back.”

“Yeah, Jesus, this is the Devil. Hey, I’m plannin’ on cuttin’ the Texas City Flats bound for Houston. Think I could catch ya on da 2?” (Diablo)

“Yeah, Jesus back to da Devil. Well, I ain’t ever cut a deal with ya before and I and I am not sure if I should start now.” (Risen Savior)

“Yeah, ya got a good point, der. I am known to be kind of a trickster. But then again how do ya know I will catch ya on da one?” (Diablo)

“Yeah, that is something true comin out of your mouth for a change.” (Risen Savior)

“How about we just stay as far away from each other as possible?” (Diablo)

“Yeah, ok, I reckon my Dad would be ok with that. You go your way and I’ll go mine.” (Risen Savior)

It was light hearted and there could be heard some chuckling in their voices.

They got serious and agreed to a 2 whistle and off they went, I am sure chuckling to themselves all the way to their destinations.

Just struck me as funny.

Thought I would share with you all.

OICUR12

[tillettso]

When I started working on tugs with my grandfather, he told me, "Son, you don't have to be crazy to work out here, but it sure as hell helps!".

And my personal favorite, "If you're gonna be stupid, you had better be tough".

[cmjeff]

The 3rd mate showing my relief some new celestial nav app on his iPhone:

Captain: "Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

3M: "Well I don't use it anyway, I prefer Bowditch"

Captain "Bowditch was an asshole and don't put that in thing back in your pocket and pretend you don't care. It's like watching a hooker pretend she's out for a walk when cops drive by. How much did you pay for that thing anyway?"

3M: "Only $400, you get a great deal you when buy them refurbished"

Captain: "You didn't get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Apple will not be the one with the sore asshole after you run my ship onto the rocks."

[tamugly]

Oh Bos'n Allen...

Anyone know how to make a black cat walk backwards on a white picket fence? ;-)

raise your hand if you saw bosn Allen show up to the training ship in a 75' trashy limo? Or everyday hearing him explain to the class why the captain was an idiot and he was god among idiots on the ship. Or how he is a multi millionaire. Or how he is a published author; come to find out he wrote s glossary of maritime terms. However, it isn't in alphabetical order haha! I had seem a female cadet more or less finger f*** a splice and get praised. Then a perfect splice from a texas cadet get thrown across the room. Then have a girl bring up the same one and damn near get a free signed copy of said book.
Bosn Allen was full of quotes. However he was a straight pos.

[NAUTICART]

"Iv'e passed more sea buoys than you have telephone poles"

[suburbredneck]

i loved that book. talking of the lazy "natives"

[tillettso]

While I'm downbound on the Mississippi, I overhear two pilots talking to each other about fog conditions in different locations. One finally says to the other, "There's no fog in my radar".

Well, that's reassuring.

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