Government Agencies Demand Equal Access To The Gulf

[humorist]

With today's announcement of the FDA's new mission to assure the safety of gulf seafood, it seems that every governmental organization, from NASA to OSHA, is involved with the clean-up. But reality paints a different picture.

Led by the department of agriculture a number of government organizations are demanding equal access to the gulf. "We have way more lobbyists in congress than NASA and we practically control the FDA. It's not fair they're getting all the attention and emergency funding." said Bob Weeds, media representative for the department of agriculture.

And Mr. Weeds might have a point. Government documents reveal that the House agreed to lift the USCG's spending cap giving Thad Allen direct access to a $1.6 billion trust fund, a fund that is financed by a tax of 8 cents per barrel on oil produced by or imported into the U.S. "That's a whole lot of money to give a bunch of guys that wear funny blue uniforms" said Mariah Benoit, a Jr. official at the U.S. Public Health Service. "They are not the only 'peackeepers' that wear uniforms, you know. My service has been wearing them since it was organized to care for merchant sailors in 1870. I mean, can you picture C. Everett Koop wearing powered blue? He would get no respect, and neither should the Coast Guard."

While some washington insiders laugh at the group of organizations demanding access to the spill fund, others are taking immediate action. Department Of Child Toy Safety, an organization formed after led was found in some chinese toys, has taken the lead what they are calling a "pre-emptive strike against BP". DOSTS administrator Barbie Mattel tells us "We have made it clear to all manufacturers in China, and to Wal Mart itself, that they may not use real oil in any Deepwater Horizon action. A glucose benzenehydrate, or other 'safe' substitute must be used instead!"

Despite the desire of many government organizations to jump on the media bandwagon, a select group has declined the publicity. The maritime administrator himself refused to talk with gCaptain reporters, or even tell us his name, but the number two man, David Matsuda, clearly stated the MARAD's position; "Some people say this rig was simply an oversized catamaran, others are pointing to the licensed mariners that worked aboard her and still others think MODU's are underway while on DP. But none of that matters! I want to make it clear for the record that the Deepwater Horizon was a drilling rig and all rig matters are MMS' problem, stop calling me." Mr. Matsuda even asked President Obama to declare that all agencies call the DWH a rig and "not a ship, vessel, catamaran or anything else remotely nautical."

But their was no indication that the President has ever or will ever listen to MARAD's requests, rather, Mr. Obama took the opportunity today to hold a press conference aboard a Louisiana shrimp boat. And his message was clear. "This is a big event for this nation, I mean I had to cancel my trip to Indonesia for this SH$#. So until the USCG uses some of the money to fly a few Balinese masseurs out to Tony H and I, this administration orders they embrace equality and share the emergency funding with all government organizations."

Admiral Thad Allen declined to be interview on this topic, or any other that gCaptain was reporting. Admiral Papp called gCaptain repeatedly but we were too busy laughing at his funny hat to take notes on what he had to say.

[Robert]

That is funny man! Waiting to see how many people thing it is serious and add opinions!

[cmjeff]

Good stuff!

But I can't believe they still haven't picked a replacement for Connaughton at MARAD!?