Best Jokes in the Engine room

[Too bad steam is gone]

One guy I worked with told me a story of when he sailed 1st. He and the 2nd engineer had previously measured all the pipe in a complicated run they were working on to the 1/4". The chief was a micro-manager who liked to watch. The 1st would hold up his hands spread apart a bit and yell to the second, "I need a pipe this long." It fit into the run exactly. The chief was amazed at the fast pipe fitting. They did this for hours fooling this chief into thinking they were master pipe fitters.

[seacomber]

An Engineer rushed his pregnant wife to the hospital, who gave birth to, not one or two, but three boys. After the nurse left them alone he asked her, "holy shit honey,,,what happened?" To which she answered, "Wellllllll remembered that night I needed some help? I mistakenly used the 3 in 1 oil." As he studied the result and with a smile he answered. "Thank god it wasn't the WD-40."

[Sweat-n-Grease]

I sailed on one ship where the Captain liked to call the engine room for "standby for bells" after which he would ring a little bell he kept on the Bridge. One day the Chief called the bridge, the Captain answered, the Chief said "I'm blowing tubes." the Captain fainted.

[cmakin]

I hope that "Tubes" wasn't the oiler's nickname. . .

[Sweat-n-Grease]

I hope that "Tubes" wasn't the oiler's nickname. . .

Maaaaa Bee

[seadog6608]

I hope that "Tubes" wasn't the oiler's nickname. . .

You beat me to it!

[seacomber]

albertpachino
gCaptain Crew

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At The Pearly Gates

The Engineer & the Mate at the Pearly Gate
Oil soaked shoes all covered with grime...
Polished shoes with a brilliant shine,
Sweaty clothes all stained with grease...
Shirt and tie and pants well-creased,
Oily, scarred and calloused hands...
Manicured fingers, looking grand,

Thus they approached the Pearly Gate...
The Engineer and the Mate,

Saint Peter gazed at this strange sight...
He knew one was wrong and the other was right,
To be sure, he then did look...
In his gigantic Judgement Book,
Then looking up he said so clear...
I’ll now pass judgement on the Engineer,
You’ve sweated blood, you’ve breathed some gas...
The scars and bruises and burns still last,
So come my son and take your place...
Like a king in all his grace,
You my son, you’ve stood it so well...
You’ve surely had your share in hell,
The Engineer passed through the Pearly Gates...

Saint Peter then turned on to the Mate’
You’ve filled your lungs with cool, clean air...
You’ve known the breeze and sun up there,
Pushing a pencil, you’ve traveled in class...
You’ve been a passenger before the mast.
There is no question “yes” or “no”...
Now it’s your turn to go below!
Last edited by albertpachino; February 24th,

I heard uncontrolled laughter coming from the old man's office a couple years back, somehow someone left this

on his desk.

[seacomber]

I had a running partner in Alaska, we fished for a month at the beginning of every season "up North". A fairly remote area a long way from home. It was imperative to have our best crew on these trips as many problems we encountered had to be fixed "on the grounds". Well my buddies stove went out one day, so our cook prepared enough chow for both crews. They came alongside not knowing what was waiting for them, but just before we could send the surprise across, Tommy the Engineer pulled five steaks and five heavily foil wrapped baked potatoes out of the main engine stack. In amazement i couldn't wait to see the result, it was competely devoured on the spot right on top of the house. They took the next days meal from our galley thankfully. A few days later we headed for town, I was always the lead boat, but they went roaring past..full throttle. I called my buddy, 'what's the hurry?" his reply, " Tommy's cooking a pork roast".

[Sweat-n-Grease]

I found this interesting little ditty lurking in the engine room computer aboard the SS Sag River. I loved it and stole it. I asked if anyone knew who might be its author, no one knew or wouldn't say. I strongly suspected it was the Chief Mate, the computers on ship were in a network and The Mate carried a little grin on his face when he saw me. So, here it is, my fellow Merchant Seamen, Enjoy.

An Engineer's Lament.jpg

[Sweat-n-Grease]

I had a running partner in Alaska, we fished for a month at the beginning of every season "up North". A fairly remote area a long way from home. It was imperative to have our best crew on these trips as many problems we encountered had to be fixed "on the grounds". Well my buddies stove went out one day, so our cook prepared enough chow for both crews. They came alongside not knowing what was waiting for them, but just before we could send the surprise across, Tommy the Engineer pulled five steaks and five heavily foil wrapped baked potatoes out of the main engine stack. In amazement i couldn't wait to see the result, it was competely devoured on the spot right on top of the house. They took the next days meal from our galley thankfully. A few days later we headed for town, I was always the lead boat, but they went roaring past..full throttle. I called my buddy, 'what's the hurry?" his reply, " Tommy's cooking a pork roast".

"Tommy's cooking a pork roast" - Oh my goodness, I love it, Thanks seacomer

[cmakin]

I found this interesting little ditty lurking in the engine room computer aboard the SS Sag River. I loved it and stole it. I asked if anyone knew who might be its author, no one knew or wouldn't say. I strongly suspected it was the Chief Mate, the computers on ship were in a network and The Mate carried a little grin on his face when he saw me. So, here it is, my fellow Merchant Seamen, Enjoy.

An Engineer's Lament.jpg

My "Thanks" button has become somewhat elusive once again. . . .

[Too bad steam is gone]

The old T-2 tankers had a voice tube that went to the chiefs room. One wise ass 2nd would trim the air hatches so the engine room had a slight positive pressure then he would light an oil soaked piece of packing on fire then blow it out. The "incense" smoke would go up the tube to the chiefs room and the chief would call below asking if something was burning up below. By then the 2nd had stubbed out his "incense".

[Sweat-n-Grease]

On a T-2 I worked the ship received a complementary copy of Playgirl. One fine day the Captain ducked into the Chief's cabin and taped the magazine's center fold of a naked Jimmy Brown behind one of the hanging towels in the Chief's head. A few hours later you could hear the Chief's shouts all over the ship. No one dared to admit anything, everyone liked both the Capt and Chief.

[Too bad steam is gone]

In 2002 one guy at Alaska Tankers used to put a copy some gay porno book in the mate getting off's carry-on bag. TSA was searching every bag back then. I'm sure this mate was a little red faced when they pulled this stuff out when they searched carry-on.

Maybe the guy who put the book there used his own private stash?

[Tugs]

On a T-2 I worked the ship received a complementary copy of Playgirl. One fine day the Captain ducked into the Chief's cabin and taped the magazine's center fold of a naked Jimmy Brown behind one of the hanging towels in the Chief's head. A few hours later you could hear the Chief's shouts all over the ship. No one dared to admit anything, everyone liked both the Capt and Chief.

We were the one of the first boats in my company to go Coed. The Female Type Person was a Mass Grad and held a 3rd Mates License but was working as a AB/T and had to share a room with male AB/T.

The Male AB/T had some questionable pictures up on "His" side of the room. There was a considerable amount of bitching going on so the Captain called me (CE) up to the Pilot House to talk about it as we all had just recently been trained in Sexual Harassment. We decided that we needed to talk to the Female Type Person about what she wanted to do as for Filing a formal complaint. She said no I would rather deal with this myself.

Well, she went ashore at the next port and purchased as many issues of Play Girl. Once the Male AB/T went on watch she plastered "her" side of the room with her pictures.

The Male AB/T came back from watch and flipped out. He actually went to the Captain and complained about the pictures. He was told to either live with it or maybe he should take his pictures down, which he did. The Female Type Person left hers up until crew change.

I do not think the Male AB/T slept much for the rest of that tour.

We never had anymore problems for the rest of the time the Female was on board.

[Tugs]

Me being a smart ass I thought it was a good idea to put a Notice on Company letter Head,

SEXUAL HARASSMENT
WILL NOT
BE TOLERATED
ONBOARD THIS VESSEL

However it will be graded



It was there for several months until someone noticed it.

I also did another one that said never trust anything that bleeds for 4 days out of seven and does not die.

All this happened in the Mid 90's

This one was also up for quite a while; until one day when I was down changing out a Power Pack and was called up to the Galley.

When I walked into the Galley I was a little surprised to find the Female V.P. of our company standing there. Now remember that I am covered in grease and oil and had been up for well over 24 hours.

The Captain looks at me and says the V.P. wants me to explain what my notice means. So I explained how a woman's body goes through a menstrual cycle ever month.

The V.P. just looked at and I thought the Captain was going to have a heart attack. Nothing was said so I said that I had work to do if we were going to sail on time.

I have said it before but there are times where I really wonder how the hell I made it to my 20 years with that company. I guess doing my job counted for sometime.

[catherder]

I also did another one that said never trust anything that bleeds for 4 days out of seven and does not die.

Good grief if we actually bled four days out of seven we'd all need transfusions, not tampax

[catherder]

I qualified at the S1C reactor in Windsor CT, which is now long gone. It was a real engine room, on dry land. Real submarine reactor plant. This was 1980 and they managed to let a few gals into the program before they realized they had nowhere to put us yet besides tenders.

I stood three watches once I got qualified, throttles, aux electrician and electric plant. The electric plant watch remained at the switchboard for four hours. I placed TG sets on line, paralleled and shifted the load from shore power to ships power all between those two switchboards. I also responded to casualties. Maneuvering was about 25 feet away, where the Engineering Officer of the Watch (EOOW) stood with the throttleman and reactor plant operator.

To amuse ourselves, we'd play "Bowling for EOOWs" Remember Dialing for Dollars? No, not that old? Well, we'd roll a roll of duct tape (E.B. Green, best tape ever) down the deckplates right into Maneuvering and score points based on whether or not we hit the EOOW.

One night I made that roll of tape run straight and true, right UP his leg as he was making a log entry and he dropped his coffee and clipboard.

(you had to have been there)

[Sweat-n-Grease]

.

One night I made that roll of tape run straight and true, right UP his leg as he was making a log entry and he dropped his coffee and clipboard. (you had to have been there)

I do believe I'd drop my coffee and clipboard too, if something was running up leg.

[seacomber]

A Chief Engineer decides to take his wife and mother-in-law to the holy land to see the holy sites. A week into the trip, his mother-in-law suddenly passes away. So he asks the tour guide, "Can you look into the costs of sending her back to the States versus having her buried here?" Later that day the tour guide returns, "Sir, you can have her buried here for a thousand dollars or you can send her back to the States, but it will cost you ten thousand dollars. What do you want to do?" With some thought the Chief answers, "I want to send her back to the States." The tour guide is confused and asks, " Sir why would you do that? It costs so much more?" The Chief quickly replies, "My friend, years ago you people buried a man here. Three days later, he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance."