Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

This digitally modified image of the Discoverer Enterprise does not actually reflect the Enterprise's current state of housekeeping, and should not be taken seriously.

The Enterprise played a key role during the oil spill disaster last summer, however floating in the oil-saturated ocean above the Macondo Well left her ballast tanks and hull saturated with crude oil.  For the past 4 months, cleaning teams have been working to clean up all this mess, but the Unified Area Command has decided enough is enough, and she’s heading to the yard in Mobile for a deep cleaning.

Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the tug,
The AB was stirring,
a sauce for roast pug.

The dock lines were hung
by the fidley with care,
in hopes that crew change
soon would be there.

The tugs’ crew were all nestled
safe in their beds,
all hoping the Captain
was not off his meds.

Me out of my float coat,
and warm woolen cap,
had just settled in
for a short off-watch nap.

When down in the galley
there arose such a clatter,
I rolled back over-
didn’t care what’s the matter.

The moon on the breast
of the calendar girls,
gave luster to the New Year,
and calming to fears.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear?
But a rusty old crew boat, approaching too near.

With a little old Captain,
so Cajun and thick.
I could tell right away,
he wasn’t too quick.

More rapid than eagles
his curses they came,
as he whistled and shouted and
called us bad names.

Go faster!
Get moving!
I’m boozed up
and drooling!

Then up to the wheelhouse
the drunk Cajun flew,
with reckless abandon,
all hopped up on glue.

And then in a clinking,
a clunk and a shutter,
he flew down the stacks,
slid down just like butter.

He was wearing his besties,
from his head to his testes.
A coonskin, a gator
and 2 robins’ nesties.

His eyes, they were bloodshot,
his dimples all hairy.
His hair smelled like onions,
his nose was quite scary.

He spoke not a word,
but went strait to his work,
he ate all of our junk food,
this guy was a jerk!

And laying his finger
alongside of his nose,
he emptied its contents,
as if blown from a hose.

He sprang to his crew boat
still belching black smoke,
I stopped and I spoke,
“I know I’m up early,
but this must be a joke!”

But I heard him exclaim,
as he steamed out of sight,
“I Captain by day,
and I pillage by night!”

When up from my nap
I suddenly wakened.
It’s all just a dream,
but why am I naked?

This video was an instant classic the second it hit the web and now, after months of deliberation by the powers that be, we officialy have someone to blame!  Well without further adu, the blame for the January 6, 2010 collision between the $3.5m Sea Shephard high-speed-publicity-stunt-whale-hunting-hunter-vessel, Ady Gil, and the Japanese whaling vessel, Shonan Maru No. 2, goes to…  Drumroll please…  

BOTH SIDES!  Ahhh!  We knew it!

Today Maritime New Zealand (MNZ), the organization conducting the investigation, released THIS report stating “[MNZ's] report into the collision between the New Zealand-registered whaling protest vessel Ady Gil and the Japanese vessel Shonan Maru No. 2 on 6 January 2010, found no evidence that either vessel master had deliberately caused the collision. However, both were responsible for contributing to and failing to respond to the “close quarters” situation that led to the accident.”

For some classic gCaptain dialogue about Animal Planet’s Whale Wars show, check out these threads in the Forum.

• Sea Shepherd Peter Brown Is A Moron
• Animal Planet’s Whale Wars – Official Thread
• Do the officers on “Whale Wars” have licenses?
• 10 Lessons Pro Mariners Can Learn From Whale Wars

And the plot thickens…

To mark the Year of the Seafarer, the Royal Alfred Seafarers’ Society, a UK based charity whose goals is to help seafarers in old age, illness, or adversity, has launched a campaign to honor seafaring generations by capturing old sea-life inspired sayings that are commonly used today without knowledge of there origins.

The campaign is launched in association with the author of naval slang and jargon guide ‘Jackspeak’, Rick Jolly OBE, a former Royal Navy surgeon-captain, and will be featured in the next edition of his book of modern nautical terms.

The Society is calling on serving and retired members of the Royal Navy and Merchant Navy, fishermen and port workers to participate by sending in their sea-life inspired sayings. But why stop there?! We want to hear everyones!

Continue reading for the top 5 favorite phrases coined so far, and be sure to add yours as a comment of participate in the gCaptain forum discussion HERE:

1. The cat’s out of the bag – originates from the instrument of punishment in the Old Navy, the ‘cat o’nine tails’. It would be taken out of its special storage bag before a flogging

2. Brass monkeys – originates from the saying ‘cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey’. Freezing temperatures would cause the brass monkey, a plate beside each gun on a ship to hold iron cannon balls, to contract and some of the balls to fall off

3. Batten down – meaning to prepare for trouble or bad weather, originating from ships ‘battening down the hatches’ when bad weather was expected

4. Splice the mainbrace! – the order given on ships for everyone on board to enjoy an additional serving of rum as part of a traditional naval celebration. Nowadays this is used to describe a toast to Royalty

5. Three sheets to the wind – originates from an old description of a square sail flapping almost uncontrollably in the wind; now often used to describe an inebriated person!

We encourage you to submit your own sayings to the gCaptain forum HERE, and be sure to check out the Funny Sh*t My Captain Says for more hilarious albeit probably less widely used sayings.

Find out more at the Royal Alfred Seafarers’ Society website.

Now since I’m writing this from 10,000 feet I don’t have access to the internet’s wealth of etymological resources but I can suspect a reason for the color association. Some possible origins might be seamen green with expectation for the weekly draw, green for the poker table at which they loose draw money, or maybe green in envy for the bosun’s salty demeanor. The most likely reason, however, is weather. As a wise Chief Mate told me amidst a calm, pregnant and expectant North Atlantic Sea, “You can always tell the new hands from the seasoned mariners once the weather fax starts spitting pages. The young are giddy with anticipation while the rest of are thinking ‘Shit, here we go again.’” Yes, green with sea sickness is the likely origin.

Since Neptune first stirred the sea with his trident or (insert personal belief set) the term Green Sailor has meant just one thing to the rest of us; opportunity for a laugh.
Now each ship has different methods of “mentoring” young seamen but my personal favorite occurs in but one location on earth; 20 miles off the coast of Canada’s Pacific Shore. This location is important due to its proximity to Canada’s Coast Guard air squadron.

Housed in a hangar ashore is a C-130 aircraft. The winged bohemeoth is equipped with radar scanning equipment that can not only detect a ship’s radar but, if the aircraft get’s really close (think the spilled coffee scene in Top Gun) can fingerprint the ship’s radar emission. Why is this necessary? I can think of 1000 reasons, none of which make any sense. Ostensibly Canada wants to make sure you are who you claim to be… for National Security reasons.

The year was 2001 but months prior to any larger security concerns. We were heading north to load crude oil in Valdez Alaska aboard a 300+ M VLCC. This particular day I was standing bridge watch when the Chief Mate called to pull my lookout for “operational concerns” and replace him with a brand new ordinary seaman. The kid was so green in fact, it took him 20 minutes to find the bridge (no he wasn’t a smoker). The mate also gave me strict instructions to tell the Captain in person once the aircraft, nicknamed Buzz Saw, was spotted. Being new to the ship myself and uncertain this OS could detect even a SOLAS flare shot from the bow, I glued myself to the bridge window.

A good 30 minutes passed before a distant object appeared through the clouds. Expecting to be back in short order, at least well before the kid spotted the flight, I announced “I’m stepping down to the Captain’s office for a minute, don’t touch anything, just shout if you have a problem.“ He nodded…. nervously.

As I walked down the ladderwell and into the old man’s office I was unexpectedly greeted by the entire crew.

“Close the door” said the bosun. “Mike affix the bucket!” Mike, a fun loving AB of 25, scurried up a ladder and affixed a bucket of sea water precariously above the door.
Admittedly dense and still unsure what was happening I said, “Capt, the plane is three minutes out. I should get back to the bridge before the kid soils his pants”
“Nonsense, just standby” Captain Krueger replied with a grin.

The room became dead still and within moments you could here a distant rumble followed by a voice from the bridge.

“Uh, Mate…” “Mate!” “MATE MATE | HOLY SHIT | CAPTAIN!!!”

He must have slid down the rail because we never heard footsteps. “C-A-P-T-A” SPLASH (Immense laughter from the peanut gallery) “IS THIS A JOKE?” yelled the confused seaman.

The bosun quickly answered, “A lesson my boy. Never let the mate spot a target before you. Now back to work, all of you!!”

I can’t remember if I was more amused by the situation or thankful the Captain didn’t think it was wise to play this joke on officers but I can tell you the story has been effective each time I’ve noticed future watchmates staring aimlessly at the clouds

This photo comes to gCaptain via Burning Man 2010, the annual week long art event ending on Labor Day on a dry lake bed in Nevada’s Black Rock Desert.  Burning Man, for those of you unfamiliar, is an annual gathering 50,000 or so people that set up a “temporary community based on radical self expression and self-reliance”, and culminates with the burning of a wooden effigy on Saturday night.  The owner of this beaut, according to sources, drove this rig around the entire event, not to mention how he got it there in the first place.

The wooden hulled, er, yacht, was completely fitted onto a a trailer and was driven (not towed) by the “captain” who could steer the vessel right from the wheelhouse.  When asked if she would float, the owner simply replied: “not likely”.

[Image source: "wolfy"]

A friend who knew my father recently sent me a book titled Sh*t My Dad Says (HarperCollins 2010). Well not only was it really funny but, apparently, I am not the only one with a blue collar Dad from a big city as the book is currently number 1 on the NYTimes bestseller list.

This got me thinking about two of the most popular threads ever posted to the gCaptain forum:
Best Captain Quotes
Best Bosun Quotes

So as a tip of the hat to justin Halpern we are changing the name of the threads and adding a new one for the guys working on oil rigs offshore: Funny Sh*t my Toolpusher Says

Do you have a funny quote heard aboard ship that wasn’t said by either the Capt. Bos’ or Pusher? Feel free to post it as a comment below…. who knows, maybe gCaptain will get a book deal out of this and have to pay each of you royalties (keep dreaming) !?

Before we go any further, please note:

If you are anywhere in or near the US Gulf of Mexico and you need to spill oil, DO SO NOW. Do not hesitate. Just dump it, report the oil to the US Coast Guard and deploy some booms. Send the bill to BP.

If you are within easy steaming distance of the US Gulf of Mexico, set your course for the gulf, then follow the above procedure.

The same rules apply if you are anywhere near the Bay of Bohai in China, except you should address the cost of cleanup to PetroChina. If they fail to pay, try BP there too.

If none of the above applies to your oil spill situation, you will need to follow a specific oil spill management programme. Good preparation for oil spills is key to ensuring a successful spill.

Rules of thumb for spill timing:

• Do NOT spill in US waters during presidential election season. Nor election season for the US Senate, or House of Representatives. Nor state senate seats in any state affected by your spill. School board elections are probably safe.
• If you are within spilling distance of waters inhabited by, or habitable for, walruses, guide your vessel there before spilling.
• A fast spill (a “wad”) is preferable to a long, drawn-out and pathetic dribble of a spill. Instruct technical personnel appropriately.
• If you can time your spill when passing another vessel or rig, do so. Then report the spill to authorities, targeting the other vessel. Prepare for a “he who smelt it, dealt it” defence from those you accuse.

With the dawn of new satellite technology that can detect oil spills, the oil spill timing picture grows more complicated. Fortunately, careful management of the spill, along with knowledge of the limitations of said technology, does not have to threaten your planned oil spill.

According to the EMSA, the satellites may be confused by “sea ice, turbulence generated by a ship propeller, rain, naturally occurring algae blooms, reduced wind speeds in wind shadow areas (behind an island or coastal mountains), fish and the egos of oil company executives”.

In other words, if you’re steaming through a major storm just off a rugged coastline in frigid waters with plenty of algae, screw the engines up to full and spill at will. Otherwise, just let it fly in high winds and hope the satellites are looking the other way.

FYI: It is considered highly impolite to spill oil at weddings, funerals, birthdays, bar mitzvahs, christenings, a brit milah, or at or around a major yachting competition.

We hope this oil spill instruction manual contributes to the future success of your oil spill.